menu
"Spliff-a-lop-o-lis"

drug testing policy

All employees will undergo a drug test, given randomly at the discretion of the partners, to ensure the proper handling of iPads, laptops, notebooks, tractors, kitchen knives, locomotive steam engines, remote control cars and helicopters. These drug tests will monitor blood-borne or hair-follicle evaluation (something like that right?) usages of the following drugs:

If an employee tests positive for any of these substances, the said employee will have to change their name for a period of time to one of the following names:

drug policy
"Luncheon will never be referred to as lunch."

luncheon

Luncheon will never be referred to as lunch. That is way too short. Luncheon happens sometime between 11:30 and 1:30 on most days. Rather than talk about specifics, here's a DO and DON'T list.

doboxing clever
  • play video games
  • eat something
  • treat yourself
  • ponder
  • exercise/gymnasium follies
  • rollerblade (if in the 80's)
  • transcendental meditation
  • visit www.zombo.com
don'tboxing clever
  • stab
  • prancersize (never mind, please prancercize)
  • over-moisturize
  • bleed on anyone
  • sing any song from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats
  • order fancy office supplies
  • barf
"we'll act like it's important."

open door policy

We have an open door policy at Boxing Clever. If you need to see any of the partners, office hours are between 9:00 am and 9:03 am every odd-dated Tuesday if the Vernal Equinox is in occurrence with the alignment of the planets of our current solar system (excludes Pluto). Or do what you do now and stand by the door and just start talking like we're not doing anything at which time we'll keep typing, occasionally glancing up at you and saying, "mmmhhhhmmm… yeah, cool… that's a great idea," and even though we're just typing an email about dinner and it's nothing important, we still won't stop, we'll act like it's important.
"Unicorns are straight magic, yo."

unicorn policy

We here at Boxing Clever have a very strict, highly detailed and completely unenforced unicorn policy. Read it. Learn it. Love it. Live it.

Let the knowledge commence.

The history of the unicorn is widely disputed, its origins unknown, but we have insider knowledge that the first unicorn was born to unsuspecting equine parents who had been unknowingly blessed by elusive forest fairies while, ahem, doing ‘the deed’ in a mystical Irish utopia.

While one would think birthing a horned (pronounced HORN-ED, not HORND) creature to be ridiculously painful, ONE WOULD BE WRONG. Unicorns are straight magic, yo. That baby was birthed when her mother tooted a puff of glitter and a small rainbow glob pooped out. That pretty poop glob was the first unicorn OF ALL TIME.

unicorn policy

Another lesser-known fact: the unicorn species, or genus justonehornus, is passed along on the female side. Once this fair ladycorn was birthed unto the earth, the species was destined heretofore to never be unbirthed forevermore. Meaning they EXIST, dammit. UNICORNS ARE REAL.

And that’s the policy. Unicorns are real. Speaking blasphemy against this beloved creature simply will not stand. You could be tarred and feathered. Or mysteriously impaled. Or memed to death.

Consider yourself warned.
"During the day, between 10:17 and 10:18, we have a moment of silence for Charles Nelson Reilly."

work hours

9-5:30 are the hours in which we claim to be open. Our world is a crazy one, and those fluctuate when times get tough. The only thing you need to remember is your schedule affects others, so please be aware of your choices. During the day, between 10:17 and 10:18, we have a moment of silence for Charles Nelson Reilly.

charles nelson reilly
"boner is the new black"

jury duty

If you actually get picked for Jury Duty, wear a t-shirt that says boner is the new black.
Am I the only one who doesn't know what a tardis is?

Tardis Usage Policy

In the event of any of the following circumstances, the company Tardis may be used:

Use of the company Tardis is a privilege, not a right. Standard time travel rules apply, and for the sake of safety, always travel with a companion.
"Prancy Jay and Salt-Lick Johnson would be offended..."

dress code

It seems we have an unusually high amount of the following items on our dress code list:

Camouflage is permitted in Boxing Clever, but please wear one of our "safety hats" that have a spinning light and siren on them so we can see you. And please, out of respect for our deer employees, don't wear any clothing that talks about deer hunting. Prancy Jay and Salt-Lick Johnson would be offended, and honestly, they are our fastest art directors speed-wise.

The great butt-less jeans experiment was a booming failure, so please stop with those, Dave. Please. Now.

Anyone who's hot and flaunts their stuff and shops at Jeans West or Oak Tree gets bonus pay. Twenty dollars a day. That's a hundee a week. Do they still make Z-Cavaricci's?
"Say something MOTHER FATHER!"

rush

The Rush policy has been violated numerous times since the last manual. Offenders who make fun or talk ill of the Holy Triumvirate are no longer asked to perform cruel and unusual punishments. Instead, they are secretly added to a list by management filed RUSH OFFENDERS. These sad-sack, butthole employees won't get any instant punishments, but during periods of down-sizing or layoffs due to economic woes, they will be the first to go. And if you think we're kidding, just try us. Really. Say something MOTHER FATHER!