phone etiquette
When answering the phone, please start by making sure the person calling you is on their toes. Start with something like, "Y'all like cats?" or singing "The Heart of Rock and Roll" by Huey Lewis and the News. If they ask if it's Boxing Clever, respond with "IT AIN'T ANTOINE OF FLATBUSH." That is a Bugs Bunny reference, kids. See the episode of the two French chefs who are literally beating the snot out of each other trying to kill Bugs so they can eat rabbit.
the phone
The phone itself. I know it does not look like a phone other than the fact that it has numbers. And those stringy things connected to it and the wall are called wires. Wires are a "vintage" or "retro" technology, in which information and sounds travel at light speed, no wait, sound speed, through these wires, which are kind of like our bloody vessels, and move around and make sounds. The other buttons are used to listen to voice messages, similar to the ones on your "mobile device," except they sound differently because they move through wires.
If a button is blinking red, you probably have a voice message or voice mail. Press the button and listen to the instructions punching you in the earball while flying out of the plastic sound amplification phone set or "handset," and if it asks you for a code, use the Boxing Clever default voice message code: POOPTOWN.
If you receive a message from someone and need to forward it, just delete the message and walk to the person's desk and tell them, "You got a message, from, um… someone. I think their name was Honky or Bonky or something," and give them a wrong phone number. Then the problem will pretty much fix itself.
conference calls
When making or receiving a conference call, blare the speaker so f*cking loud that it pierces your and everyone else's eardrum, and don't turn it down. Instead, close the paper-thin antique barn doors that adorn our conference room and mute it so you can blab while the client is on the other end trying to give us information we need. Also, hook up your laptop to the TV and instead of watching the conference things that are on the hosting site, open a new window and surf Huffingtonpost.com or heymanwhatsthatburrito.com.
time entry
All hours worked should be entered in a timely fashion every day at the end of the day. Or enter one pro-bono job at the end of the year and just put 10,000 hours toward it. That should do it. Yeah.
status reports
I have no idea what this is. WORK we do is on a piece of paper which I turn over at the beginning of the meeting and draw pictures on the back of it. Usually pictures of various war cannons, battleships or cats.
day planner usage
This section should be re-named paper and folder porn. Because honestly, some people around here covet papered goods and stapled goods like they are a completely sexual entity. I believe they have "fashion shows," except the only fashion that's being shown is fancy patterned staplers and binders and page dividers designed by Guvtag Blooben or someone with a fancy designer name like that.
